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Advice 6

What does he want from me?

Dear Gus, 

A girlfriend of mine introduced me to a guy she knew we thought

was gay. After a few days I came out to him. Horror of horrors he told me he was not gay.

He still kept calling me, however. After a few days he got annoyed with me saying that I only seemed interested in talking about my sexuality and he decided to stop calling me.

After a few he invited himself out with two girls I know despite knowing I would be there. We got along reasonably well even though I was annoyed with the way he treated me before.

Since then he has started calling me again. Our conversations have been

three hours long on average. He hasn't said anything explicitly encouraging but still keeps calling every day.

A girlfriend has told me that he talks about me a lot, but he’s told me that he doesn't think I am trustworthy. I think that if he is gay, he is scared of telling me because he thinks it will get out. 

I don't have that many friends, so I'm wary of bringing up my feelings for him and driving him away again. But I think it is very unfair for him to be calling me like this and encouraging feelings he should be aware of by now when he may be unable to return them. What should I do? 


Dear Confused,

This is the second letter from someone puzzled by the attentions of a supposedly straight bloke – though in this case he hasn’t gone as far as having sex with you!

How old is this guy? He sounds young. My guess is that he probably is gay but may not even know it himself – or want to know.

It's hard to believe for someone like me who knew he fancied boys when he was nine, but some people just don't experience the world that way. He may be one of these people who are so sexually inhibited, it all gets turned into emotional crushes on ‘buddies’, but any mention of physical action gets a big 'yuk' response. Bet he doesn't even wank.

Tell you what, he obviously needs a bit of company and friendship. So why not just stop regarding him as a sexual possibility - I'm sure there are other, less complicated ones out there - and think of him as just a new non-sexual friend.

That way you won't feel cock-teased by him and also you can set limits to how long he bends your ear on the phone. As you say, you could do with a few more friends yourself.

If he's scared of sex the only way to get into his pants is very slowly, very patiently, and talking about everything other than sex. He needs to feel he can trust you and that you’re not some kind of abuser.

If you push it you might encounter some nasty reactions. I wonder if there isn’t a component of deliberate tease in these three-hour calls, as well as some real need. People can get very complicated and he may be trying to have his cake and eat it – with one part of him genuinely wanting your company and another taking a certain pleasure in spurning the affections of a gay guy. Which could turn into a very cruel game in what sounds like the rather gossipy milieu you live in.

Alternatively, if the only reason you're putting up with him is to get him into bed, and you wouldn't have him as a friend otherwise, say "I'm sorry I'm really looking for a boyfriend right now" and give him a nice, kind brushoff.


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