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Advice 5

Lonely this Christmas

Dear Gus, 

Please help, I donít know where to turn. Iíve been going steady with my boyfriend for two months now, and heís suddenly changed overnight.

We both have said we love each other, though he lives in another town and we see each other once a week.

We both live with our parents so physical emotions donít really get played out much. But he has hinted at finding somewhere for both of us to live.

Recently however he said that Iím too much for him. He has cancelled three meetings with me in a row.

On Christmas Eve he said he would call me Christmas Day. Where was my call? Still no call, no text by Boxing Day. I texted him asking when I would speak to him. ďIíll call u later,Ē he replied. 

Later came and went, so I sent a message to him this morning saying I was sick and tired of it. He did call me, but left a message saying I had to sort myself out.

What is going on? I really love him and want to stay together. He is ill and has family commitments, I understand. But I want to stay in this relationship with him, as I truly do love him! 

Cheers, lonely this Christmas

 Dear lonely,  

Thereís no nice way to put this, Iím afraid. This relationship is over. Finito. This guy is not in love with you and is shying away like a startled racehorse.

Now, I can tell your tone youíre a bit frantic, so letís be nice. Itís all very well him saying you need to sort yourself out, but thatís not taking responsibility for ending it. If he had doubts, he should have let you know sooner. Three meetings cancelled before Christmas? If someone did that to me Iíd tell the bastard to fuck right off out of it and be back in the chatrooms, or wherever you hook up.  

However, Iím not sure it was ever a going concern Ė as least not in the way you wanted it to be. It sounds a flirtation was taken by you to be a marriage proposal. It wasnít.

There are portents, my love, runes to read. Whatís with all this texting? If texting isnít the least committed, most minimal ďIím so busy but I can spare you THREE WHOLE WORDS cos I luv uĒ means of communication ever invented, I donít know what is. If this guy loved you heíd be phoning from his office every spare moment, spooning sticky nothings into your earpiece.

Thereís even another way to read the living-together hint. ďPhysical emotions donít get played outÖĒ If there was real sex in the air, my dear, raw animal passion, parents or no parents youíd be bonking in his car, youíd have knee-tremblers behind the dustbins, youíd be fucking in the park. In the snow. The ďonly in our own double bedĒ thing is an excuse for avoiding sex.

OK, now the hard bit. Sit down. Deep breaths.

In your original email, which Iíve edited, every sentence ended like this! With an exclamation mark! It was like being shouted at! If thatís any reflection of your normal way of carrying on then Iím afraid you might need to sort yourself out a bit.

Isnít it interesting that when he finally does phone you back, youíre not there to receive the call? Hmm. Might you just be a tiny bit of a control freak, warping relationships (and men) into the fantasy you have of them in your head, rather than seeing them as they are, tender things that need to be nurtured with patience and understanding?

As it is, my dear, Iím afraid he now thinks youíre Glenn Close and his pet rabbit is destined for the stockpot (yeah, I know, you were seven when Fatal Attraction came out).

Now go and find someone who actually does think youíre horny, and for Godsake, next time, give it a chance.

Gus

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